


Only Love

by wingless



Category: Fate/stay night & Related Fandoms, Fate/stay night (Visual Novel)
Genre: Character Study, Deeply Broken People, F/M, Introspection, Love, Not Canon Compliant, Not So Different, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-27
Updated: 2012-11-27
Packaged: 2017-11-19 16:39:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,506
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/575375
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wingless/pseuds/wingless
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"You cannot save people, you can only love them." -Anaïs Nin. Heaven's Feel spoilers.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Only Love

**Author's Note:**

> Written for a friend for a character + prompt drabble meme. Not sure how it spiraled from a drabble into this, but I figured I might as well put it here too.

Saber shone more brightly than the light of her blade and the golden ripples of light it sent out, more beautifully than the delicately, carefully elaborate design of the sword she pulled from the stone. Her beauty wasn't truly in her face, not in her appearance; but in her strength, in her courage and bravery and loyalty and the kindness that lay underneath her focused, serious, silent demeanor and shows itself when its needed. She was a true hero, not quite the superhero he admired and sought to be and saw in Kiritsugu, but her visage was so beautiful to him it was close, and she in her beauty was unbelievable to him, so much, that everything about her was almost unreal.

It's what pulled him to want to save her, as he watched her walk down towards a path of self-destruction. He reached out, grabbed at her hand, and she shook it off, rejected what he offered her with a stubbornness that seemed strangely familiar to him, but he didn't give much thought to. In his desperation he followed her, trying to convince her with words and claims that didn't make any sense to him either, that he gave no thought to in his hurry to stop her, but she only kept on, his words bouncing off back at him with no effect.

Honestly, it's not really surprising. She was a hero, a legend, and he was just a boy. The more he admired her the more aware he was of himself, his own inferiority to her.

But the self-derision of the thought only made him more stubborn, only pushed him forward, only encouraged him, as it always did; it made him think, _all the more reason to try_. That same self-derision that motivated him to become a hero, so he can earn his right to exist and pay back for all the lives that were taken so he could be alive, is what made him keep on and chase after her. If he can save her, if he can help her, if he can help just one person, if he can do something, for someone, then...

In the end it's not offers of protection that makes her turn around and look at him, it's not offers of help that make her think of him, consider listening to him; he could not protect or defend her, even though he tried to do what he initially wanted for her, and in the end it was her who protected him, but he decides, as long as I repay he with an equal value, maybe that's not so bad after all. In the end, it was a difficult and rocky journey to try reach her, but it was when he offered her _love_ that she stopped to reconsider where she's heading and what she's doing.

She didn't take the path he offered her, but as long as she strayed from her path of self-destruction, that was enough. He didn't save her, not really- he loved her and maybe love the only thing she really needed because she lacked it for so long and rejected every prior offer of it- but he helped her, and decided that this was enough too. It was Saber who saved herself, but it was he, and his love, that guided her there, and Shirou did not reach the place he sought yet, but that's alright too. Saber was happy, content with the decision they came to make, and that's why he was too.

But before she disappeared, she left a wordless warning. _Learn from me, and be careful, so that you do not end up on the same path as I did, for you might not be as lucky as me, to have someone to stop you just in time and direct you elsewhere before you self-destruct._

—

Kotomine talks about loving humanity, about appreciation them, about the entertainment they offer him and enjoying them. Shirou is disgusted, spats out "You're more of a fake than I thought", at first, but he listens. It's hard not to. The man is difficult not to listen when he speaks, and fake priest or not, he was certainly made for preaching. He obviously knows it, too. When he speaks at length, without interruption, when he gives long speeches like those, Shirou can almost forget who he's talking too and everything he learned about him from the past two weeks since he met him.

"In that sense I am different from the rest of humanity." He finishes it off. He smiles knowingly at Shirou, who is thinking, _shut up and explain what you mean, don't leave me hanging like that, I'm not curious just annoyed at you and your stupid vagueness_ , and continues. "As someone who loves people while seeing all their ugliness, and not only that, loves them for it."

"So what are you trying to say? That it's not possible to know how flawed something is and still like it?"

He regrets being pulled into the discussion. He always does, with this man. Kotomine sends him a sharp look, and he hates it when he does that, hates how weak and exposed it makes him feel, and hates how he keeps coming back here and responding to his words, he should really just leave, honestly, forget all about this stupid shitty fake and his speeches but what Kotomine is saying is- is interesting to him.

And not merely that, but it's also how he can see rare emotion in Kotomine's expression, that he can perceive something in this man who is so unreadable to him, and even if he can't identify what it is, he knows that it's caused by the subject they are discussing. It's how right now, at this very moment, Kotomine seems more of a person to him than ever before. Not good, nor bad. Someone who doesn't fit into Shirou's simple, black and white perception of the world and the people in it. He's different from other people in how Shirou sees him. Just like Sakura is.

"Of course not. That goes for people as well."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

Kotomine speaks in a hollow voice. "People are all ugly inside. You know it as well. They fall in love with their own idealized images of other people, but they cannot love people while knowing everything about them, as long as they know of their loved one's imperfections."

"I can prove you wrong about that."

The pause before Kotomine's reply does not go unnoticed by him. "I won't be surprised. You've proven me wrong about a few things already. You've obtained what I tried and failed to. Yes, indeed, of all the people I envy- you, Emiya Shirou, are the one I envy the most."

And Shirou doesn't find it within him the words to respond. He doesn't understand what he means, what he's talking about, and more importantly he really doesn't want to. The fear of what he would discover if he will understand stops him from thinking further on it. "Really?" He smiles hesitantly, uncertainly "Heh. Should I be flattered? I don't see anything someone like you could be jealous of."

Kotomine doesn't even seem to notice the slight jab, but if he does, then he doesn't pay mind to it. Shirou expects him to respond with one of his own, but Kotomine is speaking with more frankness and more honesty than ever before. "You, who are so much like me, found what I did not. You found your salvation through love for Matou Sakura. Indeed, when I just think about that, how could I not be?" He speaks indifferently, and Shirou doesn't hear envy in his voice. But Kotomine is giving him another on of his sharp gazes that make him feel such discomfort.

"What are you talking about? 'So much like you'... are you still on that?"

"Yes. I am not wrong. You know it too, don't you?" Kotomine steps forward, truly moving for the first time today. "And don't you love humanity the same way I do? Your desire to save people. It is an unconscious instinct. At the core it's your love of people's light, and their ability to be good. Just like I love their darkness, their capability for evil. You become aware of how much better they are than you, and your hatred of yourself surfaces, your awareness of how unworthy you are, surfaces at the same time you admire them. You want to prove yourself worthy of being cared for by them. Not to them, but to yourself. That is what pulls you to protect the ones close to you with such vigor. You know you can't truly save anyone, so you love them, since that is as close as you can get to it." Another step. Slowly Kotomine advances towards him, and stops as he is right in front of him.

"If you can prove yourself capable of loving both the good and bad in someone, well, then, in that case-" A cold, sarcastic smile. "Congratulations. You truly have surpassed me, Emiya Shirou."

—

"How can I be loved?" Sakura, bound in dark shadows wrapped around her limbs and body and pulling her back towards the darkness, cries out, not at anybody in particular, but perhaps at herself. "How can I be truly loved? I know that I'm ugly and terrible and a horrible person, I'm not what you think I am, I know that I don't love myself, but how can I, how can I love myself, the way I am?"

"Then," Shirou advances towards her, "Let me love you. Let me prove to you that you can be loved, and that you're worth it. And you won't be alone- you have so many people that also love you. You have Tohsaka, and Rider, and there are so many other people in the world that can love you too if you woudl give them the chance. And one day, no matter how difficult it is, no matter how much time it takes- by being loved, you can also learn to love yourself."

He reaches out his hand towards her. She looks at it, then back at him, and hesitates.

"...Do you really? Even though I'm not perfect? Even though I'm so..."

"Yeah," Shirou is smiling so warmly at her, and he is dying, she can tell, she can see the sharp edges of blades digging their way out of his body and ripping through his flesh, and she can't possibly understand how he can do that, and look at her while smiling so happily and so genuinely like he's not bordering on a walking corpse. "I wouldn't have it any other way. You don't have to be perfect or a good person. Just keep being Sakura. That's all."

"Senpai--"

"I..." His smile falters, and she sees a bit of shame in his expression. She understands that to him, this is a confession. "I know you hate yourself. Then let me tell you a secret. To be honest- I hate myself too. I don't think I'm worthy of being alive, because this life I have is a stolen one, and I wanted to become a hero so I could either earn my right to be alive or die to repay for it. But-" The smile disappears; he gulps and pauses, preparing himself for what he is about to say next. "--If you could love me the way I am too, as broken as I am, and do the same for me, then- I will accept your love, and I could learn to love myself too."

She looks at his hand, again. He doesn't urge her, doesn't say anything for a while, not even while the same dark shadows binding her turn into tentacles that slash and cut at him; they only leave scrapes, perhaps, but still he doesn't understand how he can ignore them. There is so much she doesn't understand about him. But he can understand her, and maybe she can, and she does want to, she does want to live, want to keep living in a world that may have been cruel and terrible to her but has people that care for her. And he gave her a reason to go back, he's right, too, but still. She doesn't grasp his hand. She can't bring herself to.

"But Sakura." Not even a minute passes, but it felt like an eternity since he spoke up, so his voice startles her, "I can't force you to do that. You have to make the choice yourself. I can help you, and I can love you, but only you can save yourself." He is looking at her seriously, but his seems to be apologizing for that, apologizing for his inability to save her.

"Don't-" He doesn't need to apologize. _It's not his fault, nothing is his fault, please don't blame yourself, please don't blame yourself for everything, don't deride yourself like that_ , she wants to say, but cuts herself off. "...It's a scary thought"

"I know."

"I'm-- I'm scared." Immense relief floods her, and the confession pours out of her naturally. "I'm scared of facing the future! I'm scared of facing everything I did and taking responsibility! I'm scared of going back there, back to the world that rejected me in the first place!"

"I know. It's easier to run away and destroy everything, isn't it?"

"...Yes. I'm not courageous or brave. I'm not like you, I can't go forward in spite of my fears." She nods slowly, but his hand is still outstretched towards her. He's not forcing her, not telling her what to do, but he refuses to yield. This is the determination that she loves in him, what she wishes she could be, what left such a deep impression of her on their first meeting. She thought it foolish, but now she can't help admiring it.

"But I think you can do it. I think you have that strength. And I said, didn't I? You won't be alone. You have us, and we will always be there, and we will help you. Let me carry your sins together with you."

When he says it, that she is capable of it, that he really believes that she is strong, truly strong, because strength is not resilience or stubbornness, it is he ability to advance in spite of your weakness— she can almost believe it, and for a moment she really does. She grasps his hand.

Bright yellow light flashes from his other hand. His smile is back, and she can see that it's doing something to him, the cost of the form that the yellow light takes is something from him, as equivalent exchange is prime rule of magic, but his voice, laced with playfulness, is unchanging. "I'm going to have to scold and punish you first, like you said. That's alright, isn't it?"

She nods, smiling despite of herself. "You know, Senpai, I'm... tired."

"I know. It's fine. Let's go home."


End file.
